One Nose to Rule Them All; Adam Driver’s Nose Is Really Something
“Well, in this world of basic stereotyping, give a guy a big nose and some weird hair and he is capable of anything.” ― Frank Zappa
When one sees Adam Driver’s countenance on screen, one may think, "Wow, that guy’s face looks familiar. Goddammit, I know I know, but I just can't think of it. He’s that guy with the nose.”

Adam Driver is a man...a man with often weird hair and an immense, impressive, and imposing nose. While notably and suitably similar to most noses (below the eyes, above the lips, and trilateral in shape), this is no ordinary nose. This specific snoot is different from all other noses in that it is on Adam Driver’s face. I do not like Adam Driver, but I am writing about him because damn his nose is big. It is epic; it is a nose wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a nose. As the rest of his facial features are also unusually big, his nose is slightly less conspicuous than if it were on most people’s faces, but still its dominance is indisputable on any face, and it remains the most gallant and defining characteristic of his slightly-pervy visage. The preeminence of his muzzle is not even dimmed by his sketchy, bizarre, and slightly creepy facial hair or even his floppy mane of perpetually windswept black hair. His booger receptacle truly elevates the reset of his face from “Starbucks baristo” to “devoted dramatic artist with high cheekbones.”

Damn, I bet he’s a good smeller.

“A big nose does not necessarily mean a sharper sense of smell.” ― Nana Awere Damoah

I am educated.

Adam Driver’s nose, Roman-ish and pleasantly triangular-like-a-tortilla-chip, has a slightly flattened bridge, positing the following questions: Did Driver get punched in the nose during his youth? Did he street fight under the code name “Frank Driver-Zappa?” Did he have a real “marriage story” laced with marital abuse and violence and pots and pans? Did he perform dangerous stunts in the Cirque de Soleil (chosen because he was once in the Marines and in some form of good shape) and one day fall off the ring he was beautifully hanging from, landing on his schnozzle? Did he try to close the car trunk while standing too closely and bust his nose (like me)? Did he look in the mirror, see his big nose, and punch himself in the face? Was he that disrupted? Was he that sensitive?

Was he...is he?

Driver’s nozzle benefits his thriving film career by adapting to many different movie roles, essentially “nose acting” by manipulating his nose shadows (by tilting his head and careful consideration of light sources), accompanied by controlled, dramatic nostril flaring. On top of all of this, he must carefully consider the slight asymmetry of his nose and how it impacts its appearance.

In Star Wars after Episode 7, it was evident that people were disappointed that Driver’s expressive nose was hidden by a black, scary mask for most of the movie, so in the next two films it was “freed” and “revealed.” It brazenly nose-dueled with Fey’s (Daisy Ridley’s) triangle to see whose was the most melodramatic, sharp-cornered, and (of course) centered. After all, Kylo Ren having an upturned, boyish nose would be almost as much of a crime as his high-waisted black pants.

His vibrant beak is also featured when he plays a generic undercover cop in BlacKkKlansman, a performance only dominated by his choice of plaid shirts. BlacKkKlansman, although not the most dramatic movie, featured Driver’s nose in a new “mustache context” that film critics had never seen before and were actually pleasantly surprised by. In other words, this film featured the “Jewish white supremicist sniffer” accompanied by “Captain Hook-like facial hair.” The sniffer and facial hair are faithfully and perfectly supported by his “white guy voice.” The world has never seen such a blue-collar-police-guy-appearance supported by all of one’s body and intensified by one’s nose.

As for his latest movie, Marriage Story, Driver plays the face of Charlie Barber, a self-centered theatrical director who wasn’t attentive enough to his wife and accidentally cut himself when playing a game with his kid when a social worker was watching. Here again it was once again a battle of the dueling noses--theatrical and angular versus Scarlett Johansson’s free and feminine. In this movie, Driver revealed the “theatrical and angry whiffer” with added “tense mouth” by keeping the Dark Side nose but adding vulnerable and dad-like lip frowns. This is a dramatic improvement marking the evolution of his acting career as he attempts more demanding and complex roles.

Thank you, Adam Driver’s nose, for your excellent work and future excellent work and making the rest of him marginally employable on the silver screen.

(Maybe a line.)

You either really notice Driver’s nose, or it is dwarfed by other bizarre facial features.

He is saved from facial mundanity only by the fact that his image is plastered everywhere Rey from Star Wars is.

Oddly enough, his Captain Hook-like nose is underappreciated by the film community, as they did not redo Peter Pan to capitalize on this precious snout profile. Additionally when one sees such a precious snout profile, one must also assume, “That guy is a good smeller.”