Grown World: Amuse Park of Horror for those with Children
Now an amusement park for the adults! Why should kids get all the fun/nausea/depression?
Stock Market Plunge – start at the top of a tower with your net worth at its very peak, and then physically plunge to the ground, watching your assets diminish in a simulation of a real estate bubble bursting. At the bottom, you are shaken and poverty-stricken.
Carnie Artists – have an artist draw your face...as it would look 10 years later. Look at what you have to look forward to! Let those forehead wrinkles deepen! Let that hair turn gray! Let those jowls sag! Move on to the next tent where botox is sold.
No Driver License Bumper Cars – like bumper cars, but only the child drives. You, the adult, have to sit passenger side, pumping the imaginary brakes incessantly, gasping, and screaming, “Turn!!!” Kids are encouraged to cause as much property damage as possible because, hey, it’s fun, and, hey, your parents are paying for it. Payment for the damages to the other cars is automatically deducted from one’s bank account. (You gave Grown World permission to access your bank account information upon entry into the park.) Once again, you frazzled parents end up even more poverty-stricken, unnerved, suffering back pain that will never leave, and disliking your children.
Under Guess Your Weight – wait as a Carnie under guesses your weight. Feel flattered until you endure the humiliation of stepping on the scale and showing the world that the Carnie is wrong! Really wrong. You are a full 53.5 pounds heavier than her guess. For your sorrows, you get a stuffed animal big enough that you feel weird carrying it around, and..most importantly...you are not poverty-stricken (from this event)! Just disgraced and feeling fat. A win!
Interactive 3D Divorce Experience – discover all the fun and excitement of sitting through a divorce via our 3D interactive theater. Feel the splash of water on your face as the show simulates your significant other spitting at you. Endure rumbling seats, simulating physical abuse between you and your significant other and perhaps children. Smell alcoholic drinks. Watch your children begin to cry and beg for the show to be over, tearful over why mommy and daddy don’t love each other anymore and smell like alcohol.
Trans Fat Marke – buy all you trans fat food needs at inflated amusement park prices! There is deep fried mayonnaise, Oreos, cheese curds, calamari, carrot chips, king rib, frosting, waffle fries, coconut shrimp, okra, avocado (great source of vitamins C, E, K, and B-6), Mountain Dew, banana, hash browns, and more! Basically anything that fits in a frier, really. Soft drinks are sold in ex-milk gallon cartons. Pizza is sold by the 18” pie. Feel free to return to Under Guess You Weight for an updated weighing. Maybe you will walk around with two large stuffed animals!
Sleazy Maintenance Guy Roller Coaster – ride this daring, thrilling, and dashing roller coaster until you get to the top of a loop, and the ride comes to a halt. Blood starts to flood to your head. It’s getting harder to breathe. Your heart is stressed. Now you’re having vision problems...the only way to get out of this daring, thrilling, and dashing roller coaster is to pay the sleazy maintenance guy whatever he wants to fix the roller coaster. Unfortunately, he knows that. Continue the ride to a safe end and a poverty-stricken finish. At this point, Grown World would like to remind you that we do offer a line of credit.
Porta Potty-Like Receptacle Room -- this porta potty-like construction is designed as a receptacle for pee, poop, or puke (i’ll admit--probably from our rides, concessions, and/or generally poor park hygiene). In other words, it is a secluded hole in the ground. With a thirty-five dollar entry fee, this opportunity to avoid public humiliation is a steal. Save money by peeing, pooping, and puking all in only one use.
Depreciating Log Boat Ride – after looking at your family's yearly income statement, an employee will lead you to purchase a boat most suitable for your means. Get tossed side to side by the waves from the other bigger, grander, and more financially unattainable boats. Feel incredibly insecure and scared for your safety. Sell your “used” boat at the end of the track for much, much less that you bought it for. Debt!
Morning Kids Show Jamboree Slaughter – try to focus on the energetic, colorful, weirdly-dressed figures singing bizarre songs as your little kids make happy sounds and prance around. Retain your horror and torment. How are the audience’s kids this stupid? What is the draw? Is my kid stupid? Afterward, enjoy the carnival game where you try to hit a picture of one of these spasmodic, colorful characters with a shotgun for $120 a shot and $12,000 to shoot at the actual figure. You are now even more debt-stricken by at least $12,000. ,
Treadmaster Castle – in the style of other medieval castles, this castle has a shitload of steps, too. After thirty minutes of intense, leg-aching climbing, your kids will get tired and promptly need to be carried— even your 9 year old. Determined to reach the top before turning around, you will carry your kids to the final destination where they will gaze out with no amazement and no joy—the same no amazement and no joy you will feel as you collapse from sheer exhaustion, and the paramedics arrive. With these emergency paramedic treatment fees, bankruptcy is becoming the most appealing financial option, you can’t afford the gas money to drive home, and your lovely children are never going to college in this day and age.
Have a great time!