Generic Corps Signumsanitatis (for the treatment of symptoms)

DISCLAIMER: This product is for the treatment of undescribed “symptoms.”

Dosage: This product should not be used as directed, as it should not be used at all, so do not increase the dosage because you think you know better than the doctor. Do not use this product if between the ages of 2 and 102 and 104-120. If you are above 120, you will probably die immediately. While the product may be swallowed, it may also be used as a suppository, although in this case you will have wished you’d taken it by mouth.

Support your local doctors: Many doctors are paid to suggest this medication, so know that by using this drug you are supporting your local doctors.

Packaging: The best way to open it is by gripping the lid and turning like a madman. Splurting is natural. Definitely stains. Despite the difficulty opening, keep out of reach of small children because they will eat anything because they are so stupid.

Social symptoms: Generic Corp. is not responsible for any emotional distress that may arise from the use of this product, nor will it pay any of your sizeable therapy bills. Generic Corp. is also not responsible for any loss of friends or social ostracizing that may result from the use of this product, especially if you’re always crapping in your pants, which brings us to our next topic:

Crapping in your pants syndrome: Generic Corp. is also not responsible for any bowl-related discomfort that may result from this product, including the sensation that you’ve crapped in your pants because you may or may not have crapped in your pants. If you’re not wearing pants, I hope it’s because you’re sitting on the toilet.

Physical symptoms: Generic Corp. is not responsible for any all-incorporating, nondescript “bad stuff” that may occur during the use of this product, as well as “death.” Unfortunately, it could (stress could) also cause many more complicated and scary-sounding conditions and diseases that you have never heard of (even on Dr. House!) and many containing the disturbing word, “malignant” and “cancer.” If you itch, itching happens to everyone, and maybe you are imagining things. Other side effects include paruresis, ingrown toenails, bad breath, types of eczema you’ve never even heard of, athlete’s foot on hands, hip pain, chronic lower back pain (really our fault?), unintentional amputation (called “flight of limbs”), self-immolation, type 1 and 2 diabetes, tangled toes, shaving scars around ankles (shave slower!), phallic pictures on forehead, limp hair, un-paintable fingernails, and wonderful hair loss on toes. If pregnant or breastfeeding, try using a condom next time, and if you feel dizzy, light-headed, or drowsy, try taking bigger, deeper, slower breaths. However, all this is irrelevant because you’re going to die within fifteen minutes after ingestion. In case of death (which is always), before you leave this beloved world you will wish you were in hell rather than suffer the ridiculous pain caused by this product. On top of all the aforementioned diseases and conditions, you will contract a really bad cold. Then syphilis. Then cancer of anything, really. Then whatever fad virus everyone is talking about. You will lie there in anguish while, on a positive note, if you have poison ivy, the poison ivy you contracted will seem to have disappeared thanks to the medication, but, really, at this point you can’t tell because you’re in an abhorrent state of agony. You will also contract violent hiccups that make it seem like your lungs are coming out of your mouth. When not hiccuping, you will scream like a little girl. Sometimes white bits of gunk will appear at the sides of your mouth, which is embarrassing and is of unknown origin.

Missed dose: Take a missed dose as soon as you remember. If you are like the author, apply the appropriate self-hatred, guilt, and fear of what-will-happen-now-that-I’ve-missed-a-dose and tell yourself to “try better next time” but as scientists, we are telling you that there won’t be a next time.

Storage: Store the medicine in a closed container at room temperature, away from heat, moisture, and direct light. See if you can find this place again. It’s a little like hiding it away from yourself when it becomes your time of need.

If you want to sue: If “something bad” happens, we are not responsible. You are responsible. Let’s make that as clear as possible. Generic Corp. is not responsible for any potential criminal convictions that may result from the use of this product, neither “negligence,” “death/murder,” or “severe, nauseating, crippling, shooting pain throughout the entire body.” If you are reading this disclaimer, you obviously don’t have money for “real, tested, proven medicine.” If afflicted, you obviously will only be able to hire a lawyer with a barely passable bar exam score, a wrinkled suit, and a bad haircut. On the other hand, we have kick-*** lawyers that got great bar exam scores. You may think you’re an Erin Brockovich, and maybe you are, but we are telling you, Erin Brockovich lived a long, long time. Note: Generic Corp. is especially not responsible for any eye injuries the reader may sustain from reading this fine print. (I can’t believe you read it all! You’re not supposed to!)

User Agreement:
x I Accept (By the way, I give my soul to the devil. Hee-haw.)
I Accept Even Though I Didn’t Read It Because It Looked Really, Really Long And Boring
I Do Not Accept (grayed out)