A Lovely Anniversary with Your Lovely Loved One
Any relationship anniversary provides a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate your love, devotion, and slight obsession for your loved one...but how to show this unequivocally? Sometimes you have neither a clue nor the natural instinct to understand the idiosyncratic intricacies of your loved one’s beating heart. Is there a minimum dollar value or must it merely be romantic, meaningful, and memorable? Does your loved one expect a 3.00 carat princess cut diamond ring? A cute teddy bear holding a heart pillow? Can you get away with a hug? Can you just assail or entrap? Can you just call? Probably not, but let’s just see!

Here are some ideas for any anniversary so that one day your loved one may eventually respond, “Yes!” and wedded bliss may ensue, perhaps with desired offspring.

~ A box of chocolates is a romantic gift that may win your loved one’s heart. Eat the chocolates you know your loved one doesn’t like before gifting them, helping to guarantee that your loved one will not share the undesired ones with other people in a friendly social situation. After all, your loved one doesn’t really want nor need those silly, silly friends.

~ One of the best ways of spending time with your loved one is watching a Netflix series together. House of Cards and Game of Thrones provide the perfect opportunity to put your hand around your loved one’s shoulders and comment how you wouldn’t kill your loved one just for power, rape is usually wrong in all forms, and domination by the strongest is inevitable.

~ Serenade your loved one with the dulcet tones of violent rap songs. Knowing every word of “One Less Bitch” by N.W.A. is surprisingly sexy. Just replace “bitch” with your loved one’s first name, and serenade your loved one with mild threats, false accusations, and mentions of prostitution until it gets slightly awkward. Time for a kiss.

~Insist that you and your loved one get tattoos of each other’s likeness as a lovely gesture of your mutual love. For your loved one, suggest a forearm, calf, or even cheek or forehead for your likeness. Similarly, you can tattoo your loved one’s likeness inside an arm of the Swastika on your chest.

~ Cover your loved one’s bed with rose petals. Nothing screams romance like dead foliage. When your loved one sees the bed, your loved one will perhaps gasp and swoon at this romantic gesture. Your swooning loved one may or may not uncover the corpse of a dead favored pet, a bird named Chirp, beneath the debris. God, he was annoying.

~ Buying kitchen appliances doesn’t sound sexy, but everyone can use a blender! Buying such an appliance implies you are willing to help your loved one in the kitchen and also that you enjoy smoothies like everyone else. The Ninja Professional 72oz Countertop Blender with 1000-Watt Base and Total Crushing Technology is a steal at $89.99 on Amazon. Blenders are good for pureeing body parts and mixed fruit slushies, especially this particular blender with its three speeds and pulse mode.

~ Leave little notes for your loved one to find, perhaps on a refrigerator door or mirror. Let them be inspirationally passive aggressive or wonderfully rhetorical like: “You've done so well for someone with your education level!” or “How long can we keep up with this charade?” or “Hey, have you found your shitty dead bird yet?” or “I like you even when you are conscious” or “Your clothes look really cute on me, too.”

~ Sometimes part of being a lover is scaring your loved one in a loving way such that afterwards your loved one thinks it’s funny and bursts out laughing with you. Via phone in a husky, threatening voice say, “I have taken your parents hostage. Put a million dollars in your mailbox by 11pm, or I will brutally kill them because they called me a shifty-eyed, underachieving pet-killer.” Later tell your loved one that it was you all along, not a perverse serial killer. Your loved one will be elated...but still kill the parents. There’s no way your loved one has that kind of money.

~ Write your loved one a romantic and heartfelt letter to cherish until your loved one dies. In more graphic and endearing terms...in blood...written by candlelight...on tearstained paper...write various warmhearted utterances that include the words “fishmonger” and “rampallion” and “two-faced hooker” and “****ing shitty bird owner of ****ing shitty pets,” etc. Draw a picture of your loved one with a snaggletooth. Don’t forget to complain about the legal system, especially the death sentence. Hand deliver it to your loved one and sprint away before the police realize you’re violating your lovingly-imposed and very generous restraining order.

~ Hand-feed your loved one little heart-shaped message candies until your loved one feels like this is a weird and uncomfortable situation. Hold a bottle of wine up to your loved one’s mouth so your loved one can romantically and awkwardly gulp it down. “Awkwardly” because your loved one’s hands are tied as you hold your loved one hostage. Whisper, “Your hair looks so nice in this attic under the light of this single hanging light bulb.”

~ Now is the perfect time for jewelry, such as a flashy ruby ring or gold chain. Your loved one will enjoy receiving expensive jewelry, especially as your loved one is drifting in and out of consciousness as you caress your loved one’s wild hair...

Anyway, my lawyer says I talk too much. Idiot. He probably even likes birds. If you want to learn more, my trial date is September 17th somewhere or the other. (I don’t know what the law’s problem is, just like “morality.”) But in the end, hey, it’s really up to you. Surf the web. Surf the dark web. Consult friends. Consult the dark arts. Conjure Satan. Use your imagination, and don’t forget about the Stockholm syndrome! Hey, have a truly Happy Anniversary with your loved one. Toodles!