Modern art can be identified by people's reactions to it. Some of the most common reactions are, "Hey, I could've done that," "What is that?!" and, "I don't get it." Titles of modern art pieces have yet to capture this confusion, being optimistic about the art’s content.

Modern art ranges from the commonplace to the truly disturbing, like from the I’ve-done-stuff-like-that-in-Photoshop to the only-identified-as-art-because-of-the-plaque-near-it. It almost seems as if artists have taken advantage of their artistic license to paint a canvas in different shades of blue, maybe adding a white spot, and to proclaim it “modern art” and “philosophical.” It’s at the point where if you see a black rectangle on the wall in a modern art museum, you don’t know if the artwork is missing or if the black rectangle is the work. Sleazy. Sleazy. Sleazy.

Of course, the idea of modern art does have its advantages, especially for the artists…or more specifically, the lazy ones. Accidentally chiseled off the head of your statue of a person? Is it also lumpy and unrealistic? Sell it as modern art! Call it “Body Magnifico.” No, it doesn’t make sense. Glued some staples and paperclips together during your lunch break? It represents chaos! Sell it as modern art! Painted your canvas white and feel too lazy to add another color because you ran out of paint and don’t feel like shopping at the art store (it’s expensive!)? Stab it with a pencil! Leave the pencil in! Sell it as modern art!

There are far too many rich people out there with far too much money. Selling modern art is the only proper way to redistribute money from the gullible millionaires and billionaires to the brilliant yet starving ar-teeeeests. However, just to spite artists, life didn't make all the rich people stupid lottery winners. Some rich people are smart lottery winners. They do not fall so easily for the spaghetti-and-fuzz on a ladder masterpiece. They like their art BIG AND WEIRD, as in a six-foot pencil or a giant cherry on a spoon. After all, a regular napkin isn't art. A seven-foot tall napkin - now that's art.

Enlarging works wonders for sculptures, but what about two-dimensional stuff? Two-dimensional artwork is improved by framing. Anything that's framed is naturally high-quality art. Show people any unframed paper with a bloodstain and a black rectangle, and they will say something like, "Ewww...are you okay?” However, show people a framed paper with a bloodstain, and people will query, "That red stain represents the pain and suffering of the children affected by the Vietnam War, right?" to which the artist will coyly reply, “Of course.”

Additionally, art sells for more when it is not signed with the artist's true name. Statistics show that the most effective names to sign a piece of artwork with are “Van Gogh,” “Leonardo da Vinci,” or “Picasso.” Statistics also show that people who sign things with other people's name have a higher chance of “visiting” jail, but this can be attributed to bad luck and misunderstandings.

As for purchasing the materials necessary for creating a masterpiece, you need not spend hundreds on fancy acrylics and fine horsehair brushes. For example, once a friend and I entered a store of miscellaneous statues and ethnic eccentricities. On a shelf by itself, we encountered a statue of a black, gritty, slightly crumbly substance shaped in the form of a cute little gnome. My friend reached out and patted its cute little head, crooning, “Ooh, I wonder what your name is!” Reading the description card beside it, she promptly started running about the store in frantic circles, searching wildly for the nearest washroom. The little statue’s name was Poopy. It was made of cow pies. You see, the whole wide world is a collection of yucky art mediums waiting to be explored.

However, if you do enter the modern art business, you must be prepared to battle the onslaught of questions from the rude and ignorant people who possess the gall and audacity to question your, as even you yourself put them in quotes, “masterpieces.” When someone asks you what your art means, you must not respond with, "It means I know how to exploit your belief that anything on a wall in a museum deserves a high price tag," followed by a maniacal laugh and a brush toss. In this situation, it is usually best to solemnly gesture to the artwork and say, "It is my profound and moving interpretation of life, death, and human suffering…and more.” WARNING: While this technique works with most artwork, it does not work for pieces under $2.99. People will give you funny looks. It's just one of those inconsistencies of human nature.

Clearly, you ought to spend your time “redistributing the wealth of America” modern art style. Embrace your inner feelings--release them; do not squirrel them away in the hidden depths of your soul. Let them flow through your hands and arms into a brilliant collage of gum wrappers. Be one with your sculptures of Cheez Whiz and your paintings of psychedelic poker-playing dogs. Let the world know you through your artwork, and through your artwork, let yourself know income.