SQUEAKY CLEAN - a cartoon pufferfish with a very high-pitched
voice that was damned to hell a million times but is
continually forgiven out of amusement by God and Satan
ANNABELLE - Squeaky's girlfriend and also a pufferfish.
GOD - sometimes interjects and an irate female fed up with
religion (always a voiceover)
SATAN - Satan (always a voiceover)
JOHN WATERS - I haven't seen any of his films, but the script
makes heavy reference to him and his main character, the drag
queen Divine, and hopefully the script is understandable
without knowing his films. I just reference them based on
clips from YouTube.
INT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - DAY
Squeaky walks along the street with Annabelle. He picks a
clover and gives it to her with a big toothy smile.
ANNABELLE
Oh Squeaky. You are the most kind,
considerate, and gentle soul,
almost as if you were an adorable
neutered kitten.
Squeaky gives a big toothy smile.
INT. BLACK SCREEN
GOD
Oh God.
This is why I no longer attend weddings. Stopped doing that
three thousand years ago. 1019
B.C.
Almost gave up on the human
race right then and there. Thought I'd give it another chance
and
popped in for a wedding in the
Open bar and they just started doing the electric
boogaloo. Haven't checked back in since.
SATAN
I love weddings because they lead
to divorces. Mwuhahahaaa.
GOD
You love the slippery slope from
madly-in-lovebirds to poor, jaded,
heartbroken souls whom must
continually interact with each
other because of shared custody of
their disturbed young child huh.
SATAN
Duh...yeah.
GOD
Shit, some poor soul is doing their
advent wreath in the middle of
summer, and I have to see what the
hell is going on. All these stupid
denominations, and now I have to
keep track of everybody.
SATAN
Mwuhahahaaaa. I love it when God
leaves.
GOD
Oh fuck you, Satan.
SQUEAKY (IN TINY VOICE)
Yeah.
Fuck you, Satan.
SATAN
Whatever.
INT. NEIGHBORHOOD PARK - DAY
ANNABELLE
You know, now that I think about
it, I really like it when you give
me clovers Squeaky, but you give me
them all the time. You just pick
them from the grass and give them
to me.
But sometimes a girl just likes to get roses.
SATAN
Oh hell yeah.
Squeaky frowns.
ANNABELLE (SIGHING)
I'm sorry. I am stressed out from
work.
Being a quantitative
financial analyst is very stressful sometimes. You are just
so overly attentive and sweet that I feel
absolutely compelled to take
advantage of you even though I am
generally very nice to people.
Squeaky gives a big toothy grin. He gives her another clover.
SQUEAKY (V.O.)
My pretty and I are walking down
the street making pretty good time.
But my paranoid state of mind
acquired by millennia of being
followed by Satan down creepy
hallways so he can spook me tells
me there is an unexpected alein
lifeforce following me.
ANNABELLE
What Squeaky? You seem perturbed.
SQUEAKY
Oh nothing. I'm okay.
Let's just
walk.
As Annabelle and Squeaky walk, a mysterious thin figure
follows them, occasionally peeking out from behind buildings
and trees.
SQUEAKY (TO HIMSELF)
This is the fweeling that
salivating donkey followed me up
the hill of skulls under the purple
haze when I died after designing
that Ponzi scheme in eighteen-
hwundreds Bulgaria.
SQUEAKY (OUT LOUD)
Oh bwoy.
Oh bwoy.
The man peeks out from behind a tree very close to the pair.
SQUEAKY (NERVOUSLY)
Annabelle, hwold me. It's so cold.
ANNABELLE
What's wrong, Squeaky?
SQUEAKY
My Squeaky-sense senses
evil...Annabelle, hug your Squeaky
toy.
ANNABELLE
Oh Squeaky, you are the epitome of
puns!
A woman loves a man who
tells clever puns! Puns are the most intellectually demanding
form
of comedy that only a man with a
devilishly wicked sense of humor
can deliver!
They embrace. John Waters unexpectedly pops up ahead of them
while they are hugging.
WATERS
Boo!
SQUEAKY AND ANNABELLE
Ahhh!
The man, John Waters, wearing his regular suit, introduces
himself in a friendly manner.
WATERS
Well hello there! I am the King of
Puke, Baron of Bad Taste, Pope of
Trash, and Sultan of Sleaze -- John
Waters!
SQUEAKY
Are you from Saudi Arabia?
WATERS
Uh...no.
I am a director of crap movies that people love. And I must
say...you are the most
beautiful woman I have ever seen.
Waters forms a rectangle with his hands and looks through
them as if he were trying to see how Squeaky would look
through a camera's lens.
SQUEAKY
But I am a mwan.
WATERS
But you could make a beautiful
woman.
I can see it now.
Waters continues to look at Squeaky through his fingers.
ANNABELLE
Aren't I beautiful, too?
Waters looks at Annabelle. A beat.
WATERS
No.
WATERS (ADDRESSING SQUEAKY)
You, my friend, are more beautiful
than...even...Divine.
SQUEAKY
Well...Satan did once tell me that
my little yellow pufferfish fins
were as cute as Judas's button
nose.
Who is Divine?
WATERS
Who is Divine? Who is Divine?!
Divine is the most beautiful man
dressed as a woman that ever lived.
The hefty body with bulging
stomach!
The angled devilish eyebrows! The raspy voice that offends
all ears! The eggy half- headed baldness! The complete
uninhibited and unquenchable desire
to please the camera at all costs!
And most of all, the sashaying!
A beat.
WATERS
Dear sexy, sexy pufferfish, allow
me to make a proposition. I am but
an old man, but I have one film
left within me -- Period Princess.
Will you be the next Divine?
SQUEAKY
What happened to the original
Divine?
WATERS
Well, he died of heart failure.
SQUEAKY (SADLY)
Oh.
A beat.
SQUEAKY
What if Squeaky die of heart
failure?
I can't die now.
That
shit I did last year for the
Sinaloa Cartel is going to swend me straight to hell.
A beat.
SQUEAKY (BRIGHTENING)
But Squeaky fit wittle pufferfish.
Squeaky no going to die like
Divine.
SQUEAKY (BRIGHTENING)
Squeaky mommy fish always say he
going to be a big, big star but she
said that to all the little fwish
brothers and sisters but now it's
real thanks to thin creepy pencil
mustache man that follows you on
the street like a cat!
WATERS
Then you shall be the next Divine
in...the Period Princess. I shall
call you...I shall call you...
SQUEAKY
Sassy Sacrosanct! Tee hee hee.
WATERS
Sassy Sacrosanct?! Sassy
Sacrosanct?! Perfect!
WATERS
What a perfect name! And how did
you come up with this name, dear
Squeaky!
SQUEAKY
It was my preschool nickname!
WATERS (CONFUSED)
Oh.
And what preschool was this?
SQUEAKY
Bible preschool.
A beat.
WATERS
Was this in Utah?
SQUEAKY
Yes.
JOHN WATERS
I guess that makes sense.
A beat.
WATERS
Well, we've got a lot of work to
do, Sassy. Show up for filming this
Saturday in the park as
a...drag...queen...
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
Annabelle walks in to find Squeaky sitting in front of the
mirror watching YouTube makeup tutorials and surrounded by
makeup. He is making fashion facial expressions in the
mirror.
ANNABELLE
What are you doing, Squeaky, with
all this makeup? Some of this is
even my makeup. If people don't
respect your abilities at work as a
quantitative financial analyst,
sometimes you just have to wear
makeup and sock it to them!
SQUEAKY
I making my face pretty clown.
Pweople use makeup to make ugly
face pretty. I expert. I watch
YouTube.
I learn so much.
A beat.
SQUEAKY
Also, and Annabwelle, your makeup
really pretty cwrappy.
ANNABELLE
If it's so bad, why are you using
it?
SQUEAKY
I was looking in your purse to make
sure you not taking painkillers
because sometimes you seem kind of
out of it. Makeup is very
expensive. I have to economize.
ANNABELLE
I think you think I'm out of it
because you're out of it.
SQUEAKY
Oh.
Pwobably right. I spend a lot
of time rifling through purses when
I'm sweepy.
Annabelle picks up a makeup item.
ANNABELLE
Let's see. What's this one?
SQUEAKY
Lip gloss. Summer cherry.
ANNABELLE
And what's this one?
SQUEAKY
Winter cherry.
ANNABELLE
They look exactly the same. Are
they different colors?
SQUEAKY
Not really. They just have
dwifferent packaging. Now give me
my lipstick back.
ANNABELLE
Squeaky, lipstick isn't the same as
lip gloss. Do you even know the
difference between lipstick and lip
gloss?
SQUEAKY
Annabelle, no man knows the
difference between lipstick and lip
gloss.
ANNABELLE
Some men do.
SQUEAKY
But only a small percentage of
them.
It is very, vwery small.
ANNABELLE
Oh, Squeaky. I love how you are so
knowledgeable about the
deficiencies of the male brain. And
there are so many of them!
Squeaky gives a big toothy grin.
ANNABELLLE
Want to kiss? I haven't kissed you
in awhile.
SQUEAKY
Not while I look like a woman.
Squeaky so attractive as drag queen
that he no wanna make girlfriend
gay.
Squeaky gives big toothy grin as he confidently powders his
face.
SQUEAKY
Squeaky learned he must glue his
eyebrows down. Squeaky's eyebrows
suck.
One must leave the eyebrows
to one's imagination and not be
confined by natural eyebrow hairs.
A beat.
SQUEAKY
But please help Squeaky. He watch
YouTube all day and can't tell what
eye pallet to buy. He spent too
much money on lip gloss and now can
only buy one when he knows an
occasion will arise when he needs
to carry multiple in his handbag.
Mr. Clean looking for a combination
of metallic chunky glitters for
hitting the clubs at 2a.m.; ultra-
pigmented super-blendable super-
barbie-super-accessory-colors
colors; and very, very, very, very
sensible matte neutral tones (often
for the office-place) and...
SQUEAKY
...and...especially including the
must-have classic bombshell white
for the corners of my eyes! -- for
both daytime looks and nighttime
glam! -- a combination which is
almost impossible to find for under
$49!
ANNABELLE
Oh no!
I'll give you one more dollar.
That makes it $50.
SQUEAKY
Oh thank you Annabelle! All better.
INT. TRIXIE MATTEL'S GREENSCREEN - DAY
Trixie Mattel evaluates Squeaky's makeup.
TRIXIE MATTEL
Oh no honey. If you're a fish, you
better be moisturizing that skin.
Matte versus glossy? That's a
lifelong choice. And honey, it's
all about those quality brushes.
Girlfriend, take it from me, a lot
of men know the difference between
lipstick and lip gloss. And those
eyebrows are nowhere near even! But
don't worry, they never are for
anybody. And honey, to be a real
star you need a music career. Take
it from me, Trixie Mattel.
Trixie blows a kiss to the camera.
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
Squeaky doesn't like what he sees in the mirror and scrubs it
clean.
SQUEAKY
Grrrrrrr...swomebody told me my
eyebrows would never be even, but I
bwelieve in myself. Again again
again.
ANNABELLE
So...what's your overall drag queen
concept?
All drag queens have a concept.
You know.
How Ru Paul is
really tall.
SQUEAKY (PHYSICALLY SHAKING)
I put on Divin-y eyebrows, and I
become, "Angwy Squeaky!!!!!"
Grrrrrr!
Squeaky grits his teeth and vibrates.
SQUEAKY
Me put the gun to his head and say,
"Boom!"
You cannot steal from the cartel anymore!
ANNABELLE
Oh my.
Dreamboat, your cartel days are over. You work for...well,
we'll get you a job. You've got to be qualified for
something.
SQUEAKY (POINTEDLY)
I swim.
A beat.
ANNABELLE
Yes, and you swim very well dear.
Well, I just assumed you were going
to do something religious since
your name is Sassy Sacrosanct.
SQUEAKY (MAD)
I will have to think about it.
INT. OUTSIDE DRESSING ROOM - DAY
Waters knocks on the door to Squeaky's dressing room.
Squeaky's voice comes from inside the room.
WATER
Strappy tube dress with gut a-
showing??
SQUEAKY
Yup!
WATERS
Heals clicking?
SQUEAKY
Wike Dorothy!
WATERS
Fried orange lion's mane?
SQUEAKY
Yup!
WATERS
Lumpy breasts bouncing!
SQUEAKY
Check!
Rweal breasts now! Squeaky
rwerwealsed his inner woman!
WATERS
Ah.
Divine used bags of
lentils...but okay. Miss Sassy Sacrosanct, my friend, like
for
many people, your fake breasts
shall make you a star!
WATERS
Now let's get on set and make the
filthiest yet vaguely watchable low-
budget film on the planet!
SQUEAKY
I'm a little embarrassed about my
appwearance.
WATERS
Well just come out soon. We are
almost ready to start.
EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
A movie cast mills about the street intersection of a
suburban neighborhood. Squeaky appears again with his face
painted white, angry black eyebrows, an outrageous amount of
eyeshadow, and an ill-fitting tube dress (a.k.a. looking like
Divine).
WATERS
Everyone! Everyone!
Come here!
Come here! Today, we shall enact
one of the most infamous scenes of
my past movies in Period Princess,
as this shall be my final and most
seminal production! I am an old
skinny man, and I just want to do
old man things now with most of my
free time.
The crew gathers.
WATERS
For this next scene, Sassy
Sacrosanct has to eat dog shit. It
horrifies the audience, and every
now and then the audience needs a
real kick in the pants. Sassy
Sacrosanct, this is your ticket to
fame!
The crowd gasps.
SQUEAKY
Um...what is my motivation?
WATERS
You are hungry.
Squeaky sashays around confidently.
SQUEAKY (ENTHUSIASTICALLY)
Oh.
Sure!
No problemo creepy
pencil-thin mustache pale-faced
head in a suit!
Waters looks at Squeaky in surprise. .
WATERS
Wow, that didn't take any
convincing? Even Divine balked at
that one.
SQUEAKY (PERFORMING LIKE DRAG QUEEN)
Sassy Sacrosanct has done that many-
a-time, Sweetie! Just watch me.
Sometime when I'm walking along the
street and I see poo I say that
should've been picked up! So I just
eat it. Keeps the sidewalk tidy.
WATERS (IN LOVE)
Well I'll be...
SQUEAKY (SLYLY)
But I do majestic walk for you!
Squeaky happily bounces from side to side of street. Cars
crash as drivers stare at her (him).
SQUEAKY
Too smelly!
SQUEAKY
Too light brown!
SQUEAKY
Too pebble form!
SQUEAKY
Just right! Medium-sized and sun-
dried like a tomato!
WATERS (TO HIMSELF)
This is a weird moment even for me.
WATERS
Okay, camera crew. Get over here. I
think we have the shot.
SQUEAKY
Wready!
Squeaky picks up the poo in an practical manner and eats it
in small, bites, chewing happily.
SQUEAKY
I think this is from a terrier.
The cast is puking in the background.
WALTERS
And scene!
WALTERS (TO HIMSELF)
What an angel.
GOD
I stop in, and that damn pufferfish
is doing what?! Motherfucker. What
a weird little pufferfish. Eating
poo isn't a crime, but you know -
it's weird.
And I've had that evil eye on
Waters for so long, but I can't
send him to hell because I think
he'd enjoy it.
SATAN
I actually agree. He'd start
filming.
EXT. PARK - DAY
Squeaky runs through the park towards Annabelle.
SQUEAKY
Annabelle Annabelle Annabelle! Me
had so much fun yesterday! Me did
first day of shooting as drag
queen!
Me cwushed it with my
wittle pufferfish fist!
ANNABELLE
Oh Squeaky. I'm so proud of you and
your fascist anaologies. What did
you film yesterday?
SQUEAKY
Well, I ate poo.
ANNABELLE
You ate poo.
SQUEAKY
Yeah, I ate poo.
ANNABELLE (CONFUSED)
Oh.
A beat.
ANNABELLE
Well, was it your own poo?
SQUEAKY
No.
ANNABELLE
No?
SQUEAKY
It was dog poo.
ANNABELLE
Well...why?
SQUEAKY
Because a man told me to.
ANNABELLE
Oh, okay.
They walk together for a bit.
ANNABELLE
Do you know what you should do?
SQUEAKY
What?
ANNABELLE
You should go on Ru Paul's Drag
Race!
I watch it on TV every week!
SQUEAKY
What's that?
ANNABELLE
It's where drag queen culture is
sometimes misrepresented and often
sexed up to satisfy public boredom!
It would really help you refine
your skills!
SQUEAKY
Yeah!
ANNABELLE
And guess what?! I already entered
you, and you're in!
Squeaky hugs Annabelle.
SQUEAKY
Yeah!
Oh Annwabelle!
Oh
Annwabelle! Oh Annwabelle! A boy
loves a girl who secretly enters
him in contests that are major time
and effort commitments and rweally intimidating experiences!
I'm going to meet my drag queen bethren sistren!
Do you think other men like wearing high heels as much as
I do?
ANNABELLE
Oh Squeaky. I know other men like
wearing high heels as much as you
do.
INT. RU PAUL DRAG RACE STAGE - DAY
The first drag queen saunters in as a hot mess with a mini
skirt, big blond hair, messy makeup, and trips. She picks up
a broken heel.
DRAG QUEEN 1
Oh, did my shoe just break? It must
have been...
A beat.
DRAG QUEEN 1
(CONT'D)
Because I was walking too
confidently.
She goes and sits by the table.
DRAG QUEEN 1
Where's a restroom when you need
one?
Drag Queen 2 walks in dressed like she is from the Matrix
with dark shades. She whips off her shades.
DRAG QUEEN 2
My leather is so tight...I hope you
can't see my...stretch marks...
She cackles, saunters over, and sits by the table where the
broken heel is situated.
DRAG QUEEN 2 (TO DRAG
QUEEN 1)
I buy heels that can support my
weight, dear.
Drag Queen 1 gives Drag Queen 2 "a look." The next drag queen
struts in wearing a sexy caterpillar outfit and poses.
DRAG QUEEN 3
One day I will be a beautiful
butterfly, but oh wait, I'm already
a beautiful caterpillar!
Drag Queen 1 and Drag Queen 2 move over at the table.
DRAG QUEEN 1
Oh wow.
Nice antennae.
The next drag queen struts in holding a parasol, dressed as
Mary Poppins.
DRAG QUEEN 4
I'm
supercalifragilisticexpialdelicious
!
Perfectly perfect in every wa-
ay!
The drag queens role their eyes. Now Squeaky makes his grand
entrance. Dressed as an angelfish with white angel wings, he
swims to the left and to the right fake swimming with kissy
fish lips.
SQUEAKY
Look what God sent from heaven. I'm
an angelfish I may be an angel, but
I don't want to be treated like
one.
Squeaky takes one look at the table and pauses.
SQUEAKY
Oh hell no...
Squeaky tosses his angelfish tentacles and walks out proudly.
The drag queens are in shock and awe.
DRAG QUEEN 1
That may be the most drag queen
thing I've ever seen!
CAMERA MAN
Is she coming back?
INT. RU PAUL DRAG RACE BENCH - DAY
The panel of judges face the camera.
RU PAUL
Now for our first event. Unlike
most of our episodes, these looks
are inspired by our drag queen's
inner good girl. Oooo-
oooooohhhhhh.
INT. RUNWAY BACKSTAGE - DAY
The drag queens are in line behind the curtain. Squeaky wears
a nun's habit.
DRAG QUEEN 1
Are you nervous?
SQUEAKY
Squeaky neeeeeeeeeervous. Squeaky
has already gone to hell 10 million
times.
Squeaky has been given many chances to get better. Squeaky
abandoning his chance to go to
heaven so he can strut his
pwufferfish little ass down a
runway and gain sweet, sweet
accolades for an MTV show. Squeaky thinks he makes bad
decisions
sometimes.
DRAG QUEEN 2
Honey, we all feel we're going to
hell sometimes.
DRAG QUEEN 3
Just remember, God loves all his
creatures, even the ones that look
at their God-assigned genders and
think, "Wow, I either God drinks or
hates me."
SQUEAKY
God's that forgiving?
GOD (V.O.)
I get lazy sometimes.
DRAG QUEEN 2
Girl, we are entertainers. If we
are entertaining, we're doing God's
work.
INT. BLACK SCREEN
GOD (TO HERSELF)
What?
I worked really hard in the beginning. Created all these
animals and shit. Then I made humans and they just shit all
over
the place. Build churches while destroying the buffalo. I
just try to help endangered species have sex
now.
Humans be thinkin' I'm their artistic muse for an eternity.
SATAN
I, on the other hand, am
responsible for a large part of the
entertainment industry. Huh huh
huh.
SQUEAKT (IN A TINY VOICE)
Fuck you, Satan.
INT. RUNWAY BACKSTAGE - DAY
CREW MEMBER
Your cue!
SQUEAKY (NERVOUSLY)
Oh bwoy.
Oh bwoy.
Squeaky shuffles towards the curtain.
INT. RUNWAY STAGE - DAY
Squeaky appears from behind the curtain wearing a nun's
habit, hands clasped, and head down.
RU PAUL
Well, Miss Sassy Sacrosanct is
back!
Squeaky shuffles forwards very piously with his head down to
silence. He dramatically looks up. Then with sweeping fins he
removes his nun's habit. Underneath he is wearing a leotard
made of rosaries. Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus" starts
playing.
JUDGE 1
Oh Our Father, who art in heaven!
Someone runs and gives him a devil's pitchfork. He removes
half his hair to have a Divine appearance and reveals
"angway" eyebrows. He opens his mouth to show fangs and bats
his eyelashes.
JUDGE 3
Oh my.
Squeaky reaches out to the camera and mouths "reach out,
touch faith" and throws away a rosary to the judges. He
shuffles back to behind the stage.
RU PAUL
Well, get thee to a nunnery,
baby!!!
Squeaky peeks back out and gives a fanged smile with his
pitchfork in tow and scurries away.
INT. RUNWAY BACKSTAGE - DAY
Squeaky shuffles away.
SQUEAKY
Ohhhhhh...
DEVIL
Mwuhahahaaaaa...ha ha ha haaaaaa...
INT. PUBLIC RESTROOM - DAY
Waters has his arm around Squeaky and is talking to him in a
friendly manner.
WATERS
Sassy Sacrosanct, you are going to
be a star of epic proportions.
You've got the look. You've got the
attitude. You've got the strut.
You eat poo.
And now you
just have to do one more thing.
SQUEAKY (ENTHUSIASTICALLY)
What?!
Waters whispers into Squeaky's ear.
WATERS (WHISPER)
Now I want you to...
GOD (V.O. OVER WATERS)
Oh hell no...
SQUEAKY (NERVOUSLY)
Uh...pass.
WATERS
Well, then how about you...
Waters whispers into Squeaky's ear again.
SQUEAKY (WHITENING)
That's a hard, hard pass.
GOD (V.O.)
Oh hell no.
WATERS (ANGRILY)
Well, then at least lick the
sanitary napkin!
SQUEAKY (IN HORROR)
Me too movement.
WATERS
That doesn't apply to men! God I
hate that. Okay. Brainstorm.
Brainstorm.
Water paces back and forth.
WATERS
What was your last sin?
SQUEAKY
Well...I mwurdered a guy named
Putin...
WATERS
Vladimi Putin? That was you? Didn't
they just find his decapitated head
in a StarBucks?
SQUEAKY (SADLY)
Yeah, that was me.
WATERS
No no no. Won't work. Won't work.
But thank you for that. Before
that?
SQUEAKY
I deceived the American public so I
could be President!
WATERS
No no.
That's quite standard.
SQUEAKY (SADLY)
Well, worked for an organized crime
syndicate!
WATERS (INTEREST PIQUED)
Go on.
Go on.
What's the worst
thing you did there?
SQUEAKY
Erm.
Erm.
I kwilled thirty people
to make sure I got my drug money.
WATERS
No no.
No no.
Wait, you didn't
end up in jail?
SQUEAKY
I dug a tunnel from a Mexican gulag
to Los Angeles.
WATERS
A Mexican gulag? I didn't know they
had those.
SQUEAKY
I was a very, very bad fwish. They
put me in a gulag.
WATERS
Okay, okay. We have got to find
something else.
Waters paces with his head down. He looks up suddenly and
points a finger to heaven.
WATERS
I have an idea.
EXT. FOREST - DAY
Two people are lashed to a tree with a rope like in Pink
Flamingos.
WATERS
In this scene, you are going to
make a teeny, tiny speech and then
shoot these people.
SQUEAKY
Ohhh, this is going to look bad in
my reel at judgement day. It's
going to look rweal.
WATERS
Well, you're not really going to
shoot them.
SQUEAKY
I don't want to be known as the
lady of the forest that shoots,
dwecent human beings in the forest.
A beat.
WATERS (SIGHING)
Maybe we can have a compromise.
EXT. FOREST - DAY
A chicken and bunny are lashed to the same tree.
WATERS
Is this better?
SQUEAKY
After murdering an entire field of
sheep with a bow and arrow in the
1800s out of anger and spite after
my girlfriend left me and
subsequently going to hell for fwee
years, I no wonger believe in
animal cruelty unless it's rweally,
rweally small animals.
WATERS (SARCASTICALLY)
It's not really animal cruelty. You
don't really shoot the animals.
SQUEAKY
Well, well...it looks bad on my
death time rap sheet. "He took aim
and shot animals with a fake gun
like he really, really wanted to."
I know.
Let's use stwuffed an-nee- mals.
WATERS
Okay, yes yes yes. But I have to
outdo pink flamingos somehow. We
have to add something. What to add.
What to add.
A beat.
WATERS
I know!
You have to shoot them multiple times...and for real. No
special effects. Stuffed animal snuff film.
SQUEAKY
Awesome!!! I love snuff films!
EXT. FOREST
A stuffed teddy bear and Beanie Baby are lashed to the same
tree. Waters claps the clapboard.
WATERS
And scene!
Squeaky aims his gun at the stuffed animals with enthusiasm.
SQUEAKY
Questions and answers!
PHOTOGRAPHER 1
Is there no God?
SQUEAKY (ENTHUSIASTICALLY)
I am God!
BYSTANDER 1
You are God!
BYSTANDER 2
You are God!
Both bystanders giggle.
PHOTOGRAPHER 1
Is there no wrong?
SQUEAKY
There is right, and there is wrong.
I have never been wrong, Mr.
Goldstein.
PHOTOGRAPHER 2
Do you expect to get followers from
this publicity?
SQUEAKY
I certainly hope so. I didn't
invite you to jerk off you know.
Get this all down. Don't miss one
single word! If you don't...do you
have a wife and child?
PHOTOGRAPHER 2
Yes.
SQUEAKY
Well, if nothing is printed, we
might be in for a barbecue. Proceed
with the execution. You are about
to witness the biggest event of the
year: live homicide!
Squeaky aims.
SQUEAKY
Mr. Teddy Bear, you stand convicted
of assholism.
Squeaky shoots the teddy bear.
SQUEAKY
Mr. Beanie Baby, you are convicted
of...being...a meany beany.
Squeaky shoots the Beanie Baby.
SQUEAKY
(CO NT'D)
Yeah!
Squeaky dances.
PHOTOGRAPHER 1
Wow, very convincing.
INT. MOVIE STAGE - DAY
A small stage with a small musical band surrounded by a small
audience. Waters uses a clapboard saying, "Period Princess -
Scene 5 - Take 1!"
WATERS
And scene!
Music starts playing. Squeaky steps from behind a wall and
shimmies onto the stage. Dancing on the stage, he reads the
cue cards.
Screen shows the white cue card Squeaky is reading off of:
I
go to the bathroom stall. I pull down my undies. What a
surprise. My undies all bloody.
SQUEAKY (SINGING NERVOUSLY)
I go to the bathroom stall. I pull
down my undies. What a surprise. My
undies all bloody.
SQUEAKY (V.O. DURING HIM SINGING)
(CO NT'D)
Ohwo no.
Princess period about
pweriods?
He sashays for a bit.
Screen shows the white cue card Squeaky is reading off of:
I
go to the bathroom stall. I pull down my undies. What a
surprise. My undies all bloody. Will this stop me from having
sex? No, not really.
Squeaky's eyes bulge.
SQUEAKY (V.O. TO HIMSELF)
Ohwo no!
SQUEAKY
(SINGING) (CONT'D)
I go to the bathroom stall. I pull
down my undies. What a surprise.
My undies all bloody. Will this
stop me from having sex? No, not
really.
During a brief musical interlude, Squeaky sings the refrain.
SQUEAKY
Bloody, bloody. My nether regions
be ugly.
Bloody, bloody.
My
nether regions be bloody. My man.
My man.
It makes him horny.
A
little blood never hurt nobody.
Squeaky dances some more and taps his microphone on his body
in time with the music.
SQUEAKY
My tampon me be stuck up in me, but
push it higher, it don't gotta go
nowhere.
My lost tampon will come out of me eventually. The string,
the string, it always save me.
Squeaky dances.
SQUEAKY
Bloody, bloody. My nether regions
be ugly.
Bloody, bloody.
My
nether regions be bloody. My man.
My man.
It makes him horny.
A
little blood never hurt nobody.
The music ends and Squeaky gives a grand bow. He scurries
offscreen and down the hallway.
SQUEAKY
Oh bwoy.
Oh bwoy.
EXT. PARK - DAY
ANNABELLE
Oh Squeaky. When you dress in drag
it really is like you're my best
girlfriend and boyfriend.
SQUEAKY
Squeaky be all your friends. All
you need is Squeaky. Last time
Squeaky went to hell for confining
his wife to the cellar for two
weeks and only entering to feed her
little victuals but he gwetting so
much bwetter.
ANNABELLE
Oh Squeaky. A man who gradually
releases his ridiculous overbearing
reins on his wife is a good man
indeed.
I'm so glad you're improving!
Squeaky gives a big toothy smile. They walk a little bit.
ANNABELLE
Oh Squeaky! I can't even believe
you made it almost to the end of Ru
Paul's Drag Race but lost when you
had to lip sync against Cat the
Caterpillar.
SQUEAKY
I'm sorry, too, Annabwelle. It's
just hard to lip sync for your life
dance when you only have
pwufferfish fins and a wittle tail.
SQUEAKY
All I could do was fwap my little
fins and shake my little rump.
ANNABELLE
I try to undulate in the clubs.
SQUEAKY
You go to the clubs? You no take
Squeaky!
ANNABELLE
I just go with my girlfriends
sometimes. We put our purses in the
middle, face each other, and just
dance our little hearts out. It's
so cute.
SQUEAKY
Next time, Squeaky can be in the
middle!
ANNABELLE
Okay!
SQUEAKY
Yeah!
ANNABELLE
Oh Squeaky! I love it when you
implant yourself into the quality
time I spend with my girlfriends
out of relationship insecurities.
SQUEAKY
Thanks, Annwabelle.
ANNABELLE (THOUGHTFULLY)
You know, if Waters asked you to be
in his film, maybe we should
actually see a Waters film. Pink
Flamingos is playing in the
theater.
SQUEAKY
Oh bwoy!
Oh bwoy!
Squeaky dances.
INT. LINE OUTSIDE MOVIE THEATERS - EVENING
Squeaky and Annabelle are standing in line outside of the
movie theater.
ANNABELLE
I have been so excited about it for
so long.
This is the best day of
my life!
SQUEAKY
But Annabelle! What about our first
date?!
ANNABELLE
Oh this is so much better!
SQUEAKY (SADLY)
Oh...
ANNABELLE
That's my third best!
Squeaky gives a big toothy grin.
SQUEAKY (SADLY)
Oh...what's your second best?
ANNABELLE
YYY - best stock to short in
history
SQUEAKY
Wow.
You are a rweally rweally
weird pufferfish.
EXT. MOVIE THEATER - EVENING
Squeaky and Annabelle walk out of the movie theater. Squeaky
looks sickly, nauseous, and traumatized with large eyes.
SQUEAKY
I am a heterosexual male. I am a
heterosexual male and ultimately a
gwood pwerson. Mwemories will fade,
and in the end only I shall remain.
I am a heterosexual male and
ultimately I am a good person.
Mwemories will fade, and in the end
only I shall remain. I do good
things for other pweople...all the
time...sometimes...
ANNABELLE
Oh Squeaky! That was so fun! The
part where the chicken got crushed
was one of the most climatic
cinematic events of my life!
SQUEAKY
I am a heterosexual male. I will
never have angwy eyebrows again.
Nightmares will not befall me, and
I will sleep soundly tonight.
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Squeaky is on his knees praying, wearing a little nightcap.
SQUEAKY
Dear Lordess, I'm sorry I finished
Princess Period. I now realize it
was rweally rweally gross.
Annabelle, liked it, but most of
the audience puked multiple times.
No one rweally liked my little
song, and no one really liked me
eating poo.
A beat.
SQUEAKY
I am rweally, rweally sorry about
saying, "Oh hell
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
to all the drag queens. It was
rude, but they were a very odd lot.
They looked liked the Village
People for freaks.
A beat.
SQUEAKY
I'm sorry about the rosary leotard.
It was pretty sweet though.
I
think it accentuated my rwotund
body really, really nicely.
A beat.
SQUEAKY
I think I could've said some of my
lines better.
A beat.
SQUEAKY
And sorry for that cartel thing.
They were all very lovely people,
and I got obsessed with all the
mwoney. Good night.
GOD
Is this pufferfish really trying to
weasel his way out of this one? He
tap-danced in Arlington cemetery
and peed off the edge of the grand
canyon in that film. Still an
improvement though. Maybe in seven
hundred years he'll actually make
it to heaven. I have to admit, he's
a fun one to watch. Good night
Satan.
SATAN
Good night.